Well I never!

Here's a first. The Venezuelan government has seized a toilet paper (t.p.) making factory.  An official spokesperson announced that due to 'troublesome shortages', '. . .the temporary occupation of Manpa (Manufactora de Papel) is aimed at verifying that toilet paper industry production, marketing and distribution" are all in line with state policies'. Does the UK have such a thing? Something which, perhaps like our constitution, has never been entirely committed to . . . paper. 

How to translate Venezuela's latest statement? Is there meaningful shorthand at work e.g.  troublesome = plumbing problems?  I've never realised toilet paper needed a state policy. And what is it? Two sheets per person perhaps, multiplied by average/stipulated no of visits and for a certain no of days? Why the shortage? There's only one really obvious use for t.p. And it's certainly not origami. Which is why in this house - the official residence of the origami chef - we are not t.p. hoarders. But it raises some interesting questions. What are the mathematics and commercial implications to achieving the most effective roll? If there aren't, should there be 'His and Hers' sizes, t.p. for singles,  en couple? The most important thing about rolls of t.p. is that they are as just as disappointing as those wine boxes. Which is shorthand for - they never last as long as you think they should.

I did catch myself saying 'Well I never' when I was out in the garden yesterday, carefully cutting the roses back.  There was a hedgehog which had got itself jammed in at the base of one of the plants. It wasn't very well hidden and to begin with I thought it was injured. I had heavy gardening gloves on so very gently touched it. Clearly alive but only the slightest movement. I did as much as I could around it, but then needed to move him or her.  

Apparently it is easy to sex a hedgehog. However they need to be co-operative and you need to know what to look for. Mine wasn't and I didn't. According to Hedgehog World, a simple glance at the underbelly of a hedgehog will reveal all. The link provides full details. Anyway I took him/her across to a more sheltered part of the garden, then carried on with what I'd been doing. I went back later on to check but the hedgehog had wandered off. So  there was nothing wrong with it. Such a sweet creature.

For some reason the idea of recipes for hedgehogs popped into my head. Apparently the 'domestic goddess' of prehistoric times would be adept at roast hedgehog, with barley bread on the side and a little bit of nettle pudding for dessert. The link also has the details for a rather unpleasant sounding recipe called 'Road Kill Carbonara' (serves four).  Would I eat this. If there was absolutely no other option. I once made the mistake of roasting a chicken using a recipe called Chicken Stanley - I couldn't eat. Far too personal. I have eaten roast porcupine (quill-free) in South Africa. From what I can remember, the taste was slightly gamey. Visual similarities there may be, but otherwise porcupines and hedgehogs aren't in any way related, although it would be rather fun if they were. Although I am not a Telegraph fan, it has at least listed some proper recipes for the wonderful hedgehog. Unlike Hedgehog crisps. What heartless git came up with that notion.